Silver Light
by DarknessLightshadow
Summary: Lightshadow always feels hopeless, and she doesn't know why. She starts to see a strange silver shape following her everywhere. She can't think straight. She doesn't believe she'll ever be okay. What can possibly heal her broken mind?


I'm just an average cat. At least, that's what I tell myself. I live in ThunderClan, and I'm a warrior who hunts and patrols and fights. There are many other cats very similar to me. But, I've felt like I lead a unique life, dramatically different from everyone else. Each cat has their own differences, of course, but I've always felt like something, some kind of force, separates me from my Clan. It's difficult, because the Clan is inspired and dedicated, and somehow I'm not. I want to feel like a part of the Clan, but the strange force is pulling me away. I pretend nothing is bothering me. I don't want the Clan to worry about me. If they did worry, they would probably have good reason. I act like I'm okay, but inside my soul battles are taking place. I feel this random sadness, and I can't figure out why. I'm not motivated to do anything, but I have to, for the sake of my Clan. It's tearing me apart inside, and I have no idea what to do.

 _You're not there, you're not there,_ I start chanting inside my head to the heartbreak. I'm trying to convince myself, and I've been trying to convince myself. The sadness and pain doesn't exist. It's all in my head. I just need to figure out how to conquer it so I can go on with my peaceful life. My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by an angry meow. "WindClan is marking borders inside our territory!" I hear someone shout from outside the warriors' den. I unsheathe and sheathe my claws. _Maybe if there's a battle, I can distract myself from these thoughts and feel like a part of the Clan._ I step out of the den to hear our leader, Stormstar, say, "Sunfrost, Lightshadow, Skyheart, and Ravenfeather, come with me to investigate." I'm surprised to hear my name called. Ravenfeather is the deputy, and Sunfrost and Skyheart are two of the best warriors in the Clan. Am I really comparable to them?

I hear the whispers inside my head, trying to show me I'm not worthy of any kind of honor. _They're not there, they're not there,_ I tell myself. _I'm a strong ThunderClan warrior, and I know it._ I follow the others out of the camp. The sun is low in the sky when we see a group of WindClan cats discussing something on ThunderClan territory. Stormstar growled. "You're inside our territory," he says stiffly. In response, a WindClan warrior springs away and comes back seconds later with a mouse in his jaws. Another warrior says, looking smug, "You're inside _our_ territory now. Go back to your camp!" Stormstar's ear twitches and he leaps on top of the warrior with the mouse. We're evenly numbered with the WindClan warriors, so each of us can focus on one enemy. I don't see myself as a very good fighter, so I'm anxious for this battle. A brown tom attacks me, pinning me to the ground. I manage to kick his underbelly and get back up, but he pushes me over again. I start to panic. _He's twice as strong as me! I can't defeat him!_ I feel blood pouring out of my throat and struggle to breathe. I know I'm dying, so I let myself go limp. Then something miraculous happens. I glimpse a flash of silvery light and the large WindClan warrior is knocked off of me and onto the ground. I'm exhausted and losing a lot of blood, so I faint before I can see anything else.

"You're awake. Don't worry, ThunderClan kept the piece of territory," I hear the medicine cat, Blossomwing, meow. I blink. Everything is painful, and the random wave of sadness crashes over me again. _Great timing,_ I think. _I almost died, and now this horrible sadness comes again._ I struggle to sit up and somehow succeed. "Your wound isn't too bad, and you didn't lose much blood," said Blossomwing. _But I nearly joined StarClan! I felt blood covering half my fur!_ I want to say. However, it's probably best not to object to a medicine cat's observations. Plus, I don't want the Clan to worry, as I mentioned before. I'm one of the younger warriors, so I don't have as much experience with battles as other cats. I let Blossomwing inspect my throat again. "You can leave once you feel like it. Try not to irritate your wound," she tells me. The hopelessness conflicts with my everlasting determination. _I never want to leave or do anything ever again. I have to, though. I just have to._ I don't care too much that I lost the fight. Stormstar probably doesn't expect much from me. _Then why did he take me there? What was that silvery flash?_ I sigh, get up, and walk out of the medicine den. My thoughts cut into me like sharp claws, so I decide to just walk around ThunderClan territory. Maybe that will help me empty my mind.

I travel far from the camp, almost to the edge of our territory. The sun shines bright, reminding me of the strange shapes I've been seeing. _But I haven't been seeing them. They aren't there,_ I think desperately. With a sigh, I turn around and stare into the trees. "StarClan, why do I feel like this? Why can't I be happy?" I whisper, listening to the rustling wind take away my voice. A flash of light at the edge of my vision catches my eye. I quickly turn and see a strange, glowing animal disappear. I gasp and blink several times. _What in StarClan was that? Was that the same flash I saw when I nearly died? ...Am I dead? Maybe I'm just seeing things, or going insane._ I lie down on the ground and rest my head on my paws. I hoped this would clear my thoughts, but instead it gives me more confusing thoughts. It's hurting me, the way my thoughts take all my energy, leaving me tired and without hope. I curl up where I lay and fell asleep at the end of ThunderClan territory, but not before I see a tiny silver spark come out of nowhere.

Before I fully wake up, I see silver light swirling around me. I shake myself and it's gone. _What's happening? Am I crazy? What if this is a curse? It's probably a curse. The sadness, the silver shape following me everywhere and making me think like this...I should get back to camp before they worry about me. I don't like when cats worry about me._ I stand up, which unsurprisingly takes a lot of effort. Immediately after I return, Stormstar sends me out to hunt. I sigh. I don't want to be anywhere I can possibly see the mysterious silver light. I want to be somewhere peaceful and not have to feel. But, I have to serve my Clan. That's the one thing keeping me from giving in to the curse. I leave the camp once again and sniff the air for scents of prey. I scent a squirrel and see it moments later, its dark fur brightly glowing in the fading sunlight. I swiftly sneak up on it and pounce, biting its neck. Faint satisfaction rushes through me, but it's overpowered by the cursed sadness. _It's not there._

I keep hunting for a long time, even after the sun sets completely. The smell of a mouse reaches me in the darkness and I walk toward it, making sure it doesn't notice me. Suddenly, the scent trail vanishes. I jump back with shock and sniff deeply. I can trace nothing but the grass and trees surrounding me. Scent trails don't just disappear randomly. I look around, wondering if I can see anything that gives me any kind of clue or explanation. I hear wind rustling the trees, which is much more creepy at night than it is in the daytime. I get the weird sensation that someone or something is watching me. _You're not there, you're not there._ I turn around. There's no mistaking it this time. I vividly see some kind of smoke rush by, stopping a few tail-lengths in front of me. As my heart pounds harder and harder, it forms the shape of a cat. The smoke rushes away, and the wind stops. The only sound is my heavy breathing. _Is there a spirit following me? Why does it scar me with its random appearances? What kind of curse is this? I think I'll just go back to camp and sleep for a long time...I've been exhausted lately._

I gather my prey and head back to camp. I do what I told myself I would do. I enter the warriors' den with my paws feeling like stones. I curl up and enter the world of sleep, a world where I don't have to do anything...unless I'm dreaming. I open my eyes. I'm in a dying forest, and I see the spirit made of smoke again. I'm about to turn and run away, to try to run away from the curse. The spirit keeps me watching in awe, though, despite my desperate need to get away from it. The smoke becomes more solid and more cat-like, and color starts to appear on the cat's pelt. I stumble as the cat fully forms, staring at the ground and breathing hard. I feel disbelieving yet know that this is real, even though it's a dream. I look up and see a white she-cat. She has black patches turning her fur into a beautiful pattern and shining green eyes that show determination. She looks strong on the outside, but something is telling me she's breaking on the inside. I'm looking at myself. I'm the silver light, I'm the smoke. I realize that this isn't a curse after all, though I have absolutely no idea how I know it. The ghostly version of me walks forward and touches her nose to mine. I stare into her eyes, feeling every emotion I know possible. The strongest of them is love, love for myself and my life. I have a sad life, but there's a new hope surging through me. I feel powerful, like I'm on top of the world. I close my eyes and think of the possibilities for my life, which no longer feels empty. I feel as though I can find that WindClan tom and defeat him easily. I feel like I can do absolutely anything right now, feeling the comfort of my spirit. _Stop telling me I'm not there. I'm always here,_ I hear my spirit tell me inside my head. My eyes still closed, I sense her step away, but the feeling stays. As the dream fades, I feel inspired for the first time in my life.

I don't completely know what happened, but I know I saved myself from a life of unhappiness. When I wake up the next morning, I go out for another walk alone so I can think some more. _I saved myself. My spirit saved me. I'm happy, determined, and ready to face more challenges._ I briefly see the silver light again, quickly forming the shape of a cat and fading as fast as it had come. I now know that I saw myself, my spirit watching over me. "How does that even work?" I mew to myself with wonder and amusement. Now I see sparks almost everywhere, traces of my soul in the living, conscious world. I purr to myself as I rethink my whole life and the emotional battle I won.

 _You're always there._


End file.
